Queerly Beloved

Dear hypocritical, close-minded, ass-holier-than-thou conservative fucks,

I want you to think of the most horrific people in history: Hitler, Ted Bundy, Bin Laden, Puck from the Real World. What do they all have in common? All products of straight marriages. I think its time we give My Two Dads a shot.

I would now like to counter every argument I've heard in favor of banning gay marriage, because not one has a leg to stand on.

1) "Gays getting married will spoil the sanctity of marriage." This is my favorite one. Does everyone conveniently forget that us heteros continue to make a mockery out of marriage? Divorce rates are higher then ever; there are 24-hour wedding chapels in Vegas; Elected officials have countless bouts with infidelity; Jackass celebrities get hitched for a week; Who wants to marry a millionaire? Some gold-digging whore, thats who. Face it, marriage is laughable in this country, and its not showing any signs of improvement.


2) "Children need both a mother and a father" You're right, it would be much healthier for a child to grow up with potentially one or two unloving or abusive parents, so long as they're not a pair of turd-burglars or donut-bumpers. And for those ignorant, bible-thumping dipshits who believe that being gay is a choice, tell me, at what age did you decide to be straight? Was it like a Pepsi challenge at puberty? "Hmm, Im gonna go with vagina." The same God you praise and worship blindly created homosexuals. Are you suggesting that the Almighty One fucked up? And let's explore why He would create such an abomination of a human being? For starters, how about population control? To pick up the slack for all of the irresponsible heterosexuals who keep popping out kids like illegitimate Pez dispensers. Just so we're clear, a few hundred thousand straight folks abandon their children for whatever reason, and gay couples want to adopt them and provide a loving home? My mistake, those faggots are evil. Evil, I tells ya! Against abortion? Then you should embrace the idea of gay marriage, because gay couples can't have kids on accident.


3) "Homosexuality is a sin, says so in the Bah-bull" Ah, yes, the Bible. That book written by equally homophobic men. MEN, not God. And written at a time when no one understood homosexuality. You know what else is a sin? Tea-bagging altar boys while proclaiming to be a "Man of God". That must be part of the ass-rape-and-don't-tell policy in the New, New Testament.


4) "You let the gays git married, you open the doors fer people marrying their pets." Wow, I had no idea that homosexuality was a gateway to bestiality. I can't believe people are this stupid. This is the America that embarrasses me. Last time I checked, my homosexual friends were human beings who want to love and marry other human beings. Do you know who wants to marry a goat or a toaster? The insane. Mental midgets. And I'd be willing to wager that they're all straight.

Now if you'll all pardon me, Oscar and I have a honeymoon to plan.

hugs and hickies,
mario