Gas Money

(this occurred a while ago, but i never posted it.)

Well, it was bound to happen. I've heard that some headliners won't let the feature sell his/her merchandise after the show, but it's never happened in the nearly three years I've been on the road...until now.

Why do some headliners seem to forget how tough it was making ends meet as a feature act? The best analogy I can come up with is the waitress with the asshole manager: she gets promoted, then quickly (or conveniently) forgets what it was like to be a waitress with an asshole manager. It's a low-rent power trip thing.

For those who don't know, the average pay for a "middle" or "feature" act is roughly $500 a week. Some clubs pay more, some actually pay less. Not so bad, you say? Well, factor in gas, food and possibly a hotel on the off nights, and you might come home with $150. Merchandise has allowed me to make comedy a fulltime gig, and I'd like to think I give people a high-quality, well-packaged item. I'm also not a high-pressure salesman after a show. I figure if they want the books, they'll find me. And HUGE hugs and hickies to those who have found me in the past.

I'll now address the inane arguments from headliners that other features have shared with me:

1) "I lose sales when the feature also peddles his merch." You greedy, insecure fucks. How does your need for extra cash trump mine? You're already making AT LEAST TWICE as much money as the middle act. Besides, most folks in the crowd will forget the feature act by the end of your set...that is, if you've done your job properly. I've never had an HL tell me at the end of the week that he made half as much as usual in merch sales thanks to me. Never. In fact, most people who DO buy stuff, buy stuff from both of us.

2) "Hey man, it happened to me when I was a feature. Deal with it." Priceless logic. I certainly hope you weren't molested as a child. I'll defer back to the waiter/manager comparison. Since you KNOW how much it sucks, and how unfair it is, why the hell would you treat someone the same way? And besides, I'm guessing when most HL's who pull this shit were feature acts, gas wasn't $3.00 a gallon and clubs paid the middles twice as much as we get today.

3) "I don't want it to look like a flea market in the lobby." You know, I understand this to a degree, especially if the feature act is trying to sell a self-burned CD with no label or proper packaging --sorry guys. a lot of my buddies do this and I really don't think it's fair to the folks who are paying for it...especially since (most) paid a cover to get in and bought two drinks, then reached DEEPER into their pockets to support the comics by purchasing product. Don't sell 'em crap.-- BUT, the alleged "flea market" argument is a simple fix: features, set your shit up further away from the headliner...and common courtesy dictates you give the HL the better real estate. Oh yeah, I've also worked with plenty of HL's who charge $20 bucks for a homemade CD. So not cool.

4) "It's my show, motherfucker." This is the bullshit reason I got tonight. And surprise, surprise, she (yes, she) is one of those headliners who has never "made it." Guess what, no one knows who the fuck you are--and with just reason--they came out blindly to a comedy club. It's not YOUR show, it's OUR show. And even if you are the reason people came out, they're going to buy whatever you're selling because they are loyal and ardent fans.

Sorry.

Funny, too, it always seems to be the pandering, hacky, no-name veteran comics who kick up a stink (according to other features who've experienced it). I will, however, give proper thanks to the following headliners for being decent human beings, in no order whatsoever: Clinton Jackson; Tammy Pescatelli; Mitch Hedberg; Al Madrigal; Chad Daniels; Rick Gutierrez; Josh Blue; Johnny Sanchez; Slade Ham; Kevin Naughton; Greg Fitzsimmons; Michael Winslow; David Allen Grier; Robert Mac; Pete Johanssen; Andy Campbell; John Bush; John Morgan; Kevin Downey Jr.; Bob Zany; Ron Shock; Rob Little and yes, even Pauly Shore.

I'd like to hear about other headliners who've been cool...hit me up in private if you want to trash someone, though...i'm not trying to start a hate-thread despite my words, here.

I'd also like to mention that management here had nothing to do with the decision. In fact, they sympathize with my circumstances. It's just too bad that it's not their decision to make.

Soooo, the big question is, who in world am I working with this week? Who could possibly be such a solipsistic cunt? (five points for stringing those two words together). Well, like I said, I ain't naming names.

I suppose the only real solution is for me to hurry up and start headlining more clubs.

Christ I'm pissed off. Does anyone have any weed?

fuck, fuck, FUCK..........mario